Getting to the Heart of Things

I have had a blog post stirring in my head for several days now, but it seemed that every time I was inspired I was away from the computer, and every time I sat down to write, the inspiration would leave me. Today, as I sit in my warm house, clutching my hot cup of coffee and listen to the cold, wet rain outside, it seems as good a time as any to try again.

When I first began using Grace-Based Discipline (GBD) as a means to raising my children I was met with a lot of resistance from most people around me. I know many of them had good intentions. I know they probably thought that since I was so new to motherhood perhaps I didn’t really understand the choices I was making. Since it is believed by some that not spanking your children is what is wrong with this world, that not spanking equals permissiveness, and that not spanking means you will raise a hooligan, they most likely thought I wasn’t looking far enough ahead at the effects it could have, or not have, on my children. Whatever their intentions were it was hard, and sometimes very hurtful, to have to listen to some of their advice. I was told many various things by different people, from “You are not controlling your son, he is controlling you.” to “You will not be able to take him out in public if you do not use a switch on him.” I was even given Bible verses trying to insinuate to me that I do not really love him if I do not spank him (via Proverbs 13:24)

Since at that time I was new to GBD I admit that I was far from a perfect parent. There are definitely some things that, knowing what I know now, I would go back and do differently.  I was just beginning to gather new parenting tools and still had many questions about how to parent my high needs, super persistent, ever energetic child.  Not an easy thing to do when you are also feeling pressured to have to prove to people that you really do discipline even though your idea of discipline looks nothing like their idea of discipline. It was hard knowing that often times I was being judged by my son's behavior. I feared that a meltdown in public meant to people around me not that my child was hungry and needed food, or tired and needed a nap, but that it meant to them that I wasn’t a good parent.  So I have to admit that my reaction to my son's public display of big feelings and my way of parenting him sometimes in those situations would be out of that fear of what other people are thinking and out of the need to prove to the glaring eyes around me that “Yes, I promise! I really AM a good parent!” But that sort of parenting is not disciplining, not at all.

As time and years have gone by I have gained more confidence in my parenting ability. It has become a little easier to ignore the outside pressures when my children display their emotions in public. However, I can’t say I am always at the place of not caring what other people think. There are times I still want to prove I am a good parent even though it may look like I am not.  But Crystal Lutton, author of Biblical Parenting and Grace-Based Living, said something recently on a message board we are on that has had me thinking a lot about the importance of fully getting over these issues so that I can get back to the heart of GBD and be able to effectively discipline my children in public.

I have Crystal’s permission to share what she wrote:

“So discipline means to teach; and parenting is about guiding your child into adulthood.

Permissive is about the absence of either goal.

If you have goals like "looking good to others", "having X's approval", "being perfect", "requiring X, Y or Z because it will be done my way", etc. you will be punitive.

If you have goals like "never upset child", or "be my child's bff", or "keep the peace" you will be permissive.

If we set the wrong goal in a situation we will slide into punitive or permissive. The child is melting down for a reason--that reason is the issue, the melting down is the symptom. It is what alerts us to the problem so that we can try to treat it. If we treat only the symptom we will become punitive/permissive based on our personal tendency--or based on the situation.”

Because my personal tendency at times can be to “save face” (my own, not my child’s) when in a public situation it could be easier at times to slip into a more punitive mindset and try to treat my child’s symptom,the meltdown,  instead of going deeper to the root issue or the actual reason he/she is melting down. Without going deeper to that root issue, I am actually leaving the Discipline out, which is quite ironic for a situation where I think I am trying to prove that I really do discipline.  Ouch.

Crystal went on to state that:

When I remember that my responsibility is to teach to the real need in the situation--to treat the problem and not the symptom, I can ignore the tantrum once it has accomplished it's purpose (alerted me to a problem) and begin to discover and address the problem.

I thought Crystal's explanation of what she does when her children meltdown in public was worth adding in here as well. First she talks about creating a safe place for them which means:

removing them and myself from the public eye, both because other people do not deserve to have to endure the meltdown AND because my child needs their dignity preserved and when they are through the meltdown they are often embarrassed.

I take a melting down child out of the watchful eye of others if I can--or, if the group is safe, I apologize for my child's meltdown and then focus my attention on my child.

Then I speak to the emotional level of the child--validate the feelings that are very real, seek to understand the why behind the meltdown, try to help them regain balance. When the child is through the meltdown they will become their own advocate and be able to give me information, or often fix the problem themselves.

We talk about how to say it next time, or how to do what was frustrating them, and often how to get our big feelings out in a more socially acceptable and productive way.

If the child needs help learning WHAT to do about the situation that frustrated them, then we problem solve together and I either tell them or walk them through figuring it out depending on the child and the abilities and the personality, etc. Then the next time I can remind them what they wanted to do when this happened again.

If they need information, I give it.

If they need strategies, we work them out.

And THEN if they need to make amends to anyone for how they responded this time, we move to that place of healing relationship. Once they are through it all and to the other side we wrap things up with this. I believe this is VITAL and seek to NEVER leave it off.

When I read this post by Crystal it made so much sense to me and was another *a-ha!* moment of being reminded again about what GBD really is. I have felt a personal conviction that my fear of what others are thinking and my "saving face" is something I HAVE to get over, otherwise I do a disservice to my children by not truely discipling them when we are in public. I cannot seek to just silence the symptom so that I look like a good parent to other people. I have to go deeper than that. Grasping this paradigm shift once again is why I love GBD so much and why I see so much fruit from it.  True Grace-Based Discipline always bypasses what is on the surface and goes to the very heart of the issue to teach a child. It is why I also so firmly believe that a child does not need pain in order to learn something. 

Pain and Discipline, that is another post I have been thinking on. But the rain is slowing down and I am on my second cup of coffee which is already getting cold. I will save that deeper issue perhaps for another rainy day.