My Goal is Not "Well Behaved"

It has taken 6 years as a parent for it to finally sink in my brain that my goal in parenting is not about turning out well behaved people.  It has probably taken this long for me to fully realize because our culture often pressures us for our children to be well behaved. It is not just outward pressures we feel but our own inward pressures also. What parent doesn’t want well behaved children? We all want that. Well behaved has its importance, but it is not my ultimate goal.

Dr Tim Kimmel states in his book Grace Based Parenting that “The real test of a parenting model is how well equipped the children are to move into adulthood as vital members of the human race.”

In other words, my objective in this parenting journey is about raising mature children, not just well behaved children. Right now my young ones are not always able to manage, regulate, or govern their own actions. Therefore my job as a parent is to step in along side them and help them (through teaching/disciplining them and guiding them) until they come to the place where they have acquired the ability to manage their actions on their own. If someone is mature, most likely they will be well behaved, or at least able to make restitution for the times they do mess up. But a well behaved person on the outside unfortunately does not always equal a mature person on the inside.  

Realizing the difference between these 2 goals and establishing which one really is my aim makes a big difference in HOW I will parent my children.

When my goal is “well behaved” my patience runs thin and l become more easily upset about all the small, age-expectant behaviors they do. I might at times set standards for my children that are too high and which only sets them up for failure. I will find myself reacting to their behavior instead of responding.  I become focused on the present and I fear the future because I might believe it when people tell me they may ALWAYS or NEVER do X,Y, or Z. If I think too long on these "always/never" statements I might start believing them and become afraid of what my children might be like when they get older. If they are not well behaved at age 4 how will they ever be well behaved at age 14? With this mindset I might start implimenting more punitive approaches to assure myself this will not happen to MY child.

On the other hand, when my goal is maturity I find myself with the patience and understanding that they will not “always” behave like they are in a certain given moment. I will set age appropriate standards that set them up for success.  I am able to respond to their needs instead of reacting to their behavior. I am able to walk through situations with them, no matter how long it takes or how much repetition they need. When my goal is maturity I get to see the inner discipline that takes place as the fruit of all my labor and teaching. I watch them go from not being able to manage something on their own to a place where they are able to handle it all by themselves. I do not fear their future with every little mishap but instead I look forward to the person they are to become as they grow out of one certain pattern/behavior and into the next stage of life. I can smile because I know I will be proud of what my Children will be when they grow up.

What is your goal in parenting? Are you aiming for well behaved? Or are you aiming to mature your children? How does this effect the way you parent them? Think about it....and feel free to discuss in the comments below.